Spider Convention

Alright now, these thoughts have been burning in me for the past few weeks, finally I feel released to get them out. Well as a maintenance man, I do a lot of cleaning, so I guess it could be said that I much more like a janitor than a maintenance man. However, my title here at the church is maintenance, thus I call myself a maintenance man. As a maintenance man I see a lot of gross things, little brown paper bags, food smushed into the carpet, and well toilet gunk, and these things are not the most fun to clean up, but they are not the worst. I think one of the worst things that I have to clean up is spider webs. I hate cleaning these things up. Why you say, well let me tell ya (don't worry the burning thoughts are about to come, it just needs to be set up well): they stick to everything you used to clean them up with, they stick to the wall a lot instead of the tool I am using to clean them up with, they are often times pretty high and make my shoulders burn, at times they get so high I have to throw brooms up into them because I have nothing long enough to reach them and this stinks because all the debris flies in my eyes when I am looking up to get em. So I was thinking about these bloody spider webs and these were my thoughts. I wonder how and why spiders make there webs inside anyway. Surely, there are way more bugs outside than inside, right? So my thoughts progressed deeper and deeper. They must have an annual or semi-annual conference where all matters are discussed and concluded. I am sure they have the daddy long legs, for everyone knows that the daddy long legs are the wisest of spiders, as well as the granddaddy long legs, and if they are fortunate for that year's conference they have a great grandaddy long leg that has survived the years to reveal his wisdom. I am sure his wisdom is coveted by all the young spiders, although I am sure there are some that are rebellious and think their way is better. And still others that do not disagree with the old wise spiders, but have discovered times are changing due to global warming or other natural causes and have a new way of doing it.

So as I thought about such high and lofty things I began to think about the breakout sessions and what they talked about at them. I was certain that at these events is where they had the discussion as to where to weave your web. Some would argue inside buildings are far easier than outside of buildings due to the fact that the corners are concave, where the outside corners are convex, which you obviously can not web-weave there. Still others would I am sure say, that is why the windows are the best because they have the benefits of being outside and they have good corners. However, I am certain that only small spiders boast about the window corners, and the big House Spider raises one of his many hands in objection complaining that such advice preposterous. "There is no possible way that a window corner could hold my web" he says with slight irritation, but is truly prideful that he spins a mighty web that no window could hold. Then I am sure that order has to be restore to the breakout session and the subject is changed to the most effective web design. Here they bring in the master web designer, probably named Ryan (oh my gosh that is an unplanned, yet brilliant joke). I think I am going to stop before my blog losses all credibility.

Weak at Last

O, to be in the Lord’s presence.
Here I am wanted and desired.
There is no flaw in me.
The purity and the life
Radiates forth in the throne room of heaven.

Where are you Jesus?
I feel your peace,
I feel your hand upon me.
Where are you?
I do not simply want peace,
I want you!

May that echo in the courts of heaven.
I want you Jesus!
Thank you that your love is steady.
There are never droughts that quench the river of your love.

Let us go swimming, where are you in this river?
On my shoulder I feel you touch, but I look to late.
Deep, still deeper I go, knowing that, that is where you are going.
Let us go to an underground world deep, in the heart of the river.

Into the blackest of holes you go,
Jesus, my faith cannot hold out much longer.
My breath is about to run out, restore my breath,
That I might go to the depths to which you go.
Give me more faith that I might keep going down
I do not want to have to go back up.

Come and rescue you me Jesus.
My life now gone, lifeless I hang in the depths of the water
I have nowhere else to go.
I know that you will not disappoint me.

As I stop fighting, stop swimming;
I sink, deeper, effortlessly deeper.
The predators begin to swim around me,
But I know they cannot harm me.
I have nothing, I can just sink,
With hopes that you will catch me when I get to the depths of myself.

No more floaties, no more things to make me think I am ok.
I refuse to hold to anything, anymore; nothing.
I pass the rainbows, you will catch me.
Soon, eventually, I will hit the Rock.
The Rock that breaks all that fall upon it,
Broken, crushed, weak, lowly, alone, afraid, helpless:
This Rock brings the truth to light.
Let me be crushed, alone, afraid, broken, helpless:
Weak at last, I am not enough, I am broken, alone, afraid, helpless.
Finally, the truth that will set me free, I suck and that is ok.

I cannot do it, my heart rejoice, you are weak.
It is true, deny it no longer, you are wretched, dirty, and black.
Dead, hard, smoky, crushed, and smothered, you are my heart.
I have thought you were alive due to some emotions, but,
You are suffocating, be yourself and embrace that you are mess.

The cross takes only, the weak, bloody, broken, wretched, and deformed.
The cross is for the messy, beaten, afraid, lowly, and lonely.
The Rock, crushed his own Son, let the Rock crush you.
You are his son too. The Rock crushes only to bring life.
He only exposes you to cloth you, my heart embrace, who you are,
What you have become. You are not good or strong, O rejoice,
There is nothing good in you.

Be glad, I am weak at last. O liberating truth.
I never thought I would be so happy to confess:
I am lonely, afraid, not happy, unsatisfied, dirty, bloody, hard, and a mess.
But, I am! I am joyous to confess it!
I am what I am and I cannot change it!
Yes! It is true. I CANNOT CHANGE IT!
Liberty rings in these words, listen to it.

I, cannot change my dirty, rotten heart.
And man, it is rotten, no more hiding, no more clinging to the floaties.
I am a crusty, wrinkled, and deformed.
I do not have to hide it.
I am insecure and I do not think that I am cool.
No more, this is who I am.
I am in the light.

The blood of Jesus cleanses me.
Jesus gives me a new heart.
Jesus alone can change me. His loving touch restores me life.
His Spirit, his blood, his love.
You are strong! You are healing. You are tender.
Come and change me.
Your strength is far greater than my weakness!

"Hurricane a Comin Hoist the Riggins"

First off if anyone can name the movie quote from which my title comes from, I will call you, and congradulate you on the phone (please leave you number, due to the fact I lose phones frequently I have a hard time keeping up with #s). I will gladly put a second, I went on a date with a girl on Friday...and it was real fun. I like her! However, intriging that might be, that is not the main reason I wanted to blog. This following information is crucial...maybe a little dramatic, it is for sure exciting. I believe that the season in my life is changing or about to change. I heard a song that stirred deep emotions today by John Mark McMillan, called "How He Loves". For my roomates (at A&M that is) this is my latest guy to like, he is up there with Misty and Jason Upton. The whole song is money but it is the first verse and the last one that gets me. The first

"He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.
Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

The last verse:

Well, I thought about You the day Stephen died and You met me between my breaking
I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony
...they want to tell me You're cruel
But if Stephen could sing, he'd say it's not true, cause...Cause he loves us...

I believe that the next season for me entails being like the tree in verse one. I think his love that is like a hurricane and the weight of his wind and mercy are going to bend me. I am excited to love, to live, and to enjoy. I am even looking forward to the strain, the pain, the bending, and hurting it will entail. I will being living, breathing, enjoying; life. Finally, able to be loved. O I am so excited to be loved and to love in return. I am excited to have a heart that bleeds when it is cut. Rocks don't bleed, but flesh does. I am certain as well, that the Lord is going to have to remind me of this blog, when I am in pain and a mess in the floor, crying out for relief from the pain. I know this...but more and more I am learning he is with me, and does not want me to hurt, yet he does want a bride that hurts with him. Yes, yes let it be Lord!

Big Ball of ahhmy Gosh

Well, it has been a while since I have put anything out here in the big nothingness, or everything, I am not sure about what it is, the internet. I was not for certain what I was going to talk about today when I got on, I feel like I am a big ball of energy. I just keep fidgeting and being like ahhhh man, what I am going to do. However, as I typed that first line it made me think about the internet and how crazy it is. I cannot get past the fact that I can hit a button that says publish and it goes really to nowhere, but can be seen everywhere, by anyone that wants to see it. That is crazy to me. I mean think about wireless internet. It is floating around all around you or me, for sure, right now since I am on wireless, but probably you too, now-a-days There is limitless information in the room with me. I mean is that good for me. What does it do to me? This is crazy I mean crazy. Amen.

Ya Just Don't Know

You know what I am talking about right? That weird space in between the Oreo: the white nothingness. No one knows what exactly it is, you know it is there and it taste good, but it surely will mess you up when it gets to the stomach. I have heard that it will stay in your stomach for seven years, now, we know that's not true, regardless it will be sour in your stomach. It is almost like the time of life I am in; undefinable. People ask me how I am doing and well quite frankly I don't know. Let me tell you my best answer. If I am having a good day circumstancially, it tastes good, then my day is well. For instance, if I have had a good cup of coffee, then my day is good. Imagine, I am living for a cup of coffee, not really, kind of, but those who do not have hope in the Lord are living for a cup of coffee, relationship, food, a body, a smile; anthing to fill the hole, the void that is not going away. This thought makes me short circut. I do not know why exactly, besides the thought, they have something so incredibly temporary to live for, is horribe. The Lord did not make people to live for a cup of coffee. On the other hand, if circumstatially I am having a bad day I realize how poor in spirit I am. I realize I am wretched, I am so hungry, I am messed up, so broken. You know why the poor in spirit inheirit the kingdom of heaven, I think it is because when you are poor in spirit, you realize that a cup of coffee is not worth living for and you must go for more, which is living for something other than what is scene, the kingdom of heaven. A place where the spirit and the hole within is eternally satisfied. Your very world is transformed, you realize that you have been brought out of the kingdom of darkness into the kingdom of light and if you haven't you want to find the way to the kingdom of light. You begin to live for eternity and because of that you will inheirit much in the kingdom of heaven. When you are poor in spirit you long to live, and must live, for something more. When you are poor in spirit you get: clothed in garments of splendor, rich with gold refined in the fire, and eyes opened to see. Oh man! That is good stuff. I think the hardest part, is remaining poor in spirit, staying in that place. I do not know how to do that, I do not want to make myself suffer when I do not need to suffer, yet I do not want to end the hardship and to receive not the fullness of the blessing. I want to know how to do that, please help me, if you have any advice. Lastly, I believe the reason that I am and others are getting to eat the white stuff is due to the prayers that I have cried out, "Lord change me no matter what it takes, Lord I want to know you please do not let me settle..." Praise the Lord that he answers pray, maybe not how I like it but, He is the Good Shepherd, I trust Your lead, my God and my King!

100% Vitiman C

The Orange Juice companies are brilliant. Why you may ask? Well let me
tell you, but first let me ask you a question. When you are beginning
to feel a little under the weather what is one of the first thoughts
you have? I need to get some Vitamin C, right? And then the next thought is well I need to get some OJ. Brilliant marketing isn't it. Not only, do you want to drink OJ in the morning with breakfast, but also you want to get it when you begin to get sick. Now, this is so genius, due to the fact that most other juices (apple, grape, cranberry peach) all have 100% Vit. C, but you never think about that when you get sick. The OJ companies have as my dad would say, "Pulled the wool over our eyes." Awesome! Good Job OJ companies! However, do know that you can drink most any juice if you are desiring to pump up the immune system. So pick you favorite and realize that some juices are not 100% juice, which not good and also realize that OJ has a ton of acid in it. So it might even be better to get something besides OJ, due to the fact if you do end up getting sick it is not fun to yak when you have whole bunch of acid in the belly.

Confidence in the Flesh

Blessed Goodness

If I choose to put confidence, trust, or reliance in my flesh, I must accept the good and the bad for my actions. If I have any confidence in what I do, then my confidence is in not in the Lord. Therefore, I have to stand before the Lord with the good that I do in any certain area and the bad in that area. I am essentially setting myself up for failure, because I cannot be perfect, thus I will be judged according to my good and my bad. My good is nothing better than menstrual rags (Is. 64:4 Literal translation)and my bad, which is also called sin, equals death which leads to...well you know. So if I choose myself the outcome is menstrual rags or death a.k.a you know where, two options from which I would not like to choose. The greatest failure of all, however, is that I miss the essence of the gospel: righteousness by faith. Jesus died on the cross so I did not have to be righteous (let me it clear that I sometimes try real hard to righteous and I am crushed when I fail, because I think that I can be perfect, pretty high view of myself) but simply by faith take up his righteousness and live in the blessing of being pure, blameless, without blemish, and holy. Freedom, revelation, acceptance, and sonship are found here, in the righteousness of Christ. It is for you and it is for me, Jesus has already paid for it, take it.


S.N. (side note) I will probably be talking about this quite a bit in my next few posts

S.S.N Please, please comment if you have any say: positive or negative, really

My Stuggle

You know when you have so much brewing in you you do not know where to start? Well that is about how I feel right now. Here is my struggle: I know there is something that I really need to think about and write about, but I know if I do that I am actually going to have to live my live according to the truth. It seems easier to live in the a lie than to face reality. It is easier to dismiss the idea that God will judge you at the end of you life than live in that reality now. For then I am my own God and thus I can do whatever I want, nonetheless I will have to face truth, whether now or later, I cannot escape it, nigh can anyone escape the truth, it comes to all, much like death (barring the Lord's return).

Watching the Dust

Watching the dust dance in the sunlight,
With no where to go but down
Yet that does not seem to bother it
For it effortlessly floats, twists, and swings
As it falls to the ground,
With joy and glee some make the descent,
While others sink with peace and tranquility,
Happy to be transfixed in mid-air.
One thing is for certain concerning these little specs of dust,
Not a one complains about how it is lifting and falling
Because nothing depends on them,
For who knew the breeze would come,
From that direction or so swift.
No one boasts about how it floats;
They didn't determine it, O no; the wind did.
The dust waits with eager expectation for the wind to blow.
For dust, is only dust,
It can do nothing unless the wind blows.
I know a man that felt the same way,
He said something along the lines of:
I can do nothing apart from the Father.

A Good Christian

Well my thoughts are running crazy today. I want to dive in to a thought that I have had today due to a few things. One being I read the first chapter in Abba's Child by Brennan Manning. He said something that really got me thinking, but due to the fact that I do not have the book right in front of me, I will not be able to give the exact quote. However, it got me thinking about thoughts that I have had before, I am so thankful that I had them again today (life has been difficult for me, everybody knows what I am talking about when, I say nothing and I mean nothing can satisfy; some might call it depression, I do not know it might be, for me it has driven back to old habits and ways that are not good. It has thrown me into a battle, a fire, that is hot). This thought hit me while I was in the prayer room at IHOP. I think to be a good Christian you have to be perfect, but Hallelujah that is not true. What is good is to live in the nature of God. What does this look like? Well it means you go hard after whatever it is that you believe God has called you and wants you to after. You then mess up and bust it hard, if you are going hard you are going to eat it hard. The first analogy that comes to mind is the amazing guys that are riding in the Tour de France (please go back and say that in your best French accent if you did not the first time). They are going hard I mean at some of the sprints they are hitting at least 40mph. Imagine crashing at that speed, you are going to bit it hard, because you are going hard. Then you mourn, you must for you have just been way laid by life, sin, burdens, you fill in the blank. You must mourn well. You must come to grip with reality: you are weak, you are nothing, you best thing is filthy, you are dust, that is being held together by God, you cannot save yourself, you cannot stop sinning, you cannot change your heart (the sad thing here is that we think that we can change our heart. We put up all these laws to make us feel better, essentially we say if we can obey these laws we are good. However, it decieves us for the sin/stronghold/issue whatever you want to call it has not been removed from our heart. It lays in there growing and growing, with us unaware of what is going on because we have the "guidelines" to make that it does not come out until it is to late. If we leave it unattended it becomes a beast that is out of control by the time that we realize that it is still there. But a good Christian knows that he is loved by God regardless of what he does, he knows that he cannot free himself from his sin, you can do nothing to make yourself strong, you can do nothing to cleanse your heart, simply put you are (I am) a man desperately in need of a Savior. Now when a man works, his wages are not credited to him as a gift, but as an obligation. However, to the man who does not work but trusts God who justifies the wicked, his faith is credited as righteousness. Finally the truth is out, without all the laws you realize you need Jesus and that you do not need to work to receive the love that he has for you. Then you can rejoice because you have done nothing to earn this perfect love. You need a man that was perfect for you because you cannot be perfect again Hallelujah. A good Christian relies on the holiness of God; one who leans and depends fully on the nature of God. A God that is rushing to forgive, to redeem, restore, help, love. For some reason I have never equated being weak as equal to being a good Christian, but Jesus did he did not do anything apart from His Father, God. He knew, him being a man, that if he did anything on his own he would become prideful, or something wrong; he knew to do anything apart from God was a sin. A good Christian walks in his weakness and leans hard into the fact that God is good, loving, merciful, forgiving, just, full of compassion and not condemnation. A good Christian is to embrace weakness so that you can depend on Jesus, his love, his nature, and this alone. This is the only way that Jesus can be strong in me, for in my weakness his power is perfected. So this is the reason Paul boasted in his weakness, in his non ability to do anything. I realized that I was getting caught thinking if I could just make it to this point be free of this stuff or whatever level of perfection that I could attain to then, oh then I would be free and able to really live. I do not think that is the pinnacle, simply because this is not the gospel, a weak man leaning on an eternally never weakening God. For if this is your life, you are continually in awe of a loving bridegroom, in whom you can rejoice all the day long, because you are weak and fully know in this weakness, but fully loved and embraced in this weakness. I desire this grace to remain in weakness, knowing that you are fully loved. For when you are weak and Jesus has to do everything, you have no pride, you boast only in him, and you can truly rejoice because you have done nothing. I did not feel like proof all of it and these thoughts are rough and not concrete, so please if you have any thoughts let me know.

Dust

You know if I could realize that I was just dust, I would wait for the wind to blow; instead of try to move myself. Can dust even move itself?. Water could be helpful because then it would at least bind me to some more dust. For my first one off the cuff, what do you think? Come Mighty Wind and blow. Let the Living Water flow. Move me where you wish, bind me to who you will. It sounds pretty, now the question is, will I wait, will I let it happen?